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Author Topic: Husband vs Girl!  (Read 273 times)

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Offline confusednorthislander

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Husband vs Girl!
« on: 07 Sep 14, 07:25:pm »
Hi there, I'm very new to this site and in desperate need of advice. I sit here tonight in tears, drinking wine, trying to sort my life! I will try to keep it simple....I am female and met a man who is so caring and loving, we have been together for 8 years and have been married for 1.5 years. It was an amazing wedding and at the time it was obviously what we both wanted. We have a house together, we both have great jobs, are financially secure and one day thought we would have children together. I know he would be an amazing father. Towards the end of last year I started to develop feelings for a female colleague. WTF!! I have never felt this way about a female before, I am as straight as can be is what I thought. I got butterflies everytime I saw her but pushed these feeling aside and didn't think anything of this, as I was married to a man! These feelings got stronger and a couple of months later I told her how I felt. She felt the same way (from the moment she met me apparently. She came out a couple of years ago) but never said anything, as I was married. Since then (almost 9 months) we have been seeing each other on and off. She is amazing, we have chemistry +++. We work together so we see each other most days. She makes me laugh and feel so very loved. The sexual side of things is something I have never experienced in my life!! This was something that was missing with me and my husband for quite some time, I'm not sure why??? Perhaps deep down I was always supposed to be with a girl?! I told my husband what was going on approx 6 months ago, he was understandably heart broken. I am currently living on my own, trying to have some space, while trying to figure out who I want to be with. The trouble is, I see this girl every day at work, so it is hard to have complete space from her. We catch up outside of work, I know I shouldn't, as I'm trying to have space but I can't help it, I want to see her! We spend time together and its great, so much fun! I know I love her. I can't help but think about my husband too though, he's always on my mind, I miss him and the old us, but I don't know if we would ever be the same again. Since having space, he has been with a few other women. I know I need to make a decision, as the position that we are all in at present is horrible, our lives are on hold. She loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. He is ready to talk when I am but in the mean time is not going to put his life on hold any longer. I worry about my future. I married the man I thought I would live happily ever after with and have children together. But I've met this amazing woman who blows my mind! I worry about the future if I choose her. I know we can still have a family but in a different way. I worry about my family and what they will think (they all know about the current situation). They love my husband and he's a huge part of the family. My friends are very supportive, saying I just need to do what makes me happy but if I choose her it would change our friendships. My husband and I have mutual friends, a great group of friends that have done everything together. I know if I choose her it would be different, never the same and I would miss that. I feel I could make either way work, both have their positives and negatives, but I know I can't have both!!! Your thoughts would be very much appreciated:)

Offline Daily News

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Re: Husband vs Girl!
« Reply #1 on: 10 Sep 14, 07:55:am »
Hey there - good on you for reaching out. Are you in Auckland by any chance? If so the Women's Centre has a group just about to start which sounds like it could be perfect for you:


Facilitators: Cissy Rock and Ellie Lim

Would you like a supportive women's space to talk about same sex attraction? Would you like to discuss the journey of coming out? Explore topics like gender, telling family, friends and work colleagues, meeting people, stereotypes, finding community and dating?

This is a facilitated support group where you can ask questions in a safe, non-judgemental environment. (6 weeks)
Date:         Tuesdays, 16 Sept-21 Oct, 2014
Time:         7.00pm-9.00pm
Location:         Auckland Women's Centre
Cost:         FREE
Booking essential:         Yes
For more details:         

Phone Ellie on 376 3227 extn 202 or

Offline sappho

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Re: Husband vs Girl!
« Reply #2 on: 14 Sep 14, 09:08:pm »
hey, i just wanted to say hi, and show a bit of support for your situation.
it's a hard process, but knowing yourself better is always worthwhile.

one thing i do want to say: you've said you can't have both. is there any reason for this statement, or is it an assumption? if you have thought this through, and feel you really are monogamous, fine. if you've discussed it with your partners, and they are adamant that it has to be a choice, fine. but you should ask yourself seriously about this before you throw away what sounds like a good loving relationship, just because you've found out that you're queer, and you've fallen in love with this woman.

aside from anything else, parenting with three is a whole lot easier than two!

i recommend some good hard soul searching about what you want, and some real honest discussion with your partners. if all parties are loving and willing there is no reason why you can't have both.

the best wishes to you, whatever happens.