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Thursday 10 November 2016

Ak Pride Debate: Bigger is judged to be Better

Posted in: Performance
By Jay Bennie - 13th February 2016

In a strange and eventually self-defeating debating tactic the conservative team at last night's Great Auckland Pride Debate practically begged the judges to award them at least a tie on the basis that they have yet to win a Pride Debate.

Debating the moot that Bigger is Better, National MP and conservative team leader Nikki Kaye, the frequent object of time keeper Anika Moa's oft-expressed and lewdly lustful yearnings, congratulated the opposition team, particularly noting how Urzila Carlson is a perfect example of bigger being better, exhorted the audience to see that it's the big milestones in life that are memorable and that being big-hearted meant having a social conscience... the latter point an obvious ploy to gain favour with an audience she estimated was "89.9% lefties."

Petite but perfectly formed Act Party leader David 'bubble butt' Seymour informed the crowd that is is perhaps the only person to have shared a sauna with previous leader Rodney Hide, who was known for his ample physique. Gay actor and comic Eli Matthewson pointed to the fact that many glbti people gravitate from small town New Zealand to the big cities and pointed out that the Act Party would be a more potent political force in parliament if its representation was bigger.

Debating the negative Labour MP Jacinda Ardern ripped off her outer garments to reveal her 'David Seymour look-alike costume, saying she was now dressed as the smallest thing in parliament. She said the hurling of a small dildo at cabinet minister Steven Joyce proved that "it's not the size of your codpiece that counts it's who you throw it at." Urzila Carlson said that as an immigrant she had become aware that Kiwis are understated and understand that "you don't need the big shit in life"  and "it's the small moments in life that make your heart swell."

Comedian Josh Thomson in a high energy rant took a swing - as almost everyone else had - at Seymour by ridiculing big problems facing people in the Act leaders affluent electorate "such as your house is too big" and had the capacity crowd in stitches with a rambling monologue about the attractions of his allegedly small and unsightly penis.

Dildoes were a recurring theme, thanks to the notorious anti-TPP protest action, with a generously sized specimen being wielded frequently and pointedly by Anika Moa.

In the end the judging panel of Lisa Prager, Alan Granville and Kita Mean decided that once again it was clearly not Kaye and Co's night and proclaimed the lefty, positive, team the winner.

Warm-up entertainment was provided by MC Steven Oates, entertainer Edwina Thorne and drag diva Tess Tickle in fine and raunchy form who plumbed the depths of acid shaming by briefly impersonating Whitney Houston performing while desperately sucking on a crack pipe, amongst other sordid vignettes, which had the roughly half glbti/half straight crowd in stitches.

Jay Bennie - 13th February 2016

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