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Sunday 12 April 2015

"I want more than just friendship"

Posted in: Ask Our Expert
By - 15th September 2007

'In Love' writes:

How do you tell someone who's a friend that you feel more for them than just friendship… without sounding like a complete twat?

Bill Logan comments:

It's odd, isn't it, that we fear revealing feelings as wonderful as love, even where there is already a good, warm mutual connection.

But actually there is nothing to fear, so long as you don't expect anything of your friend—so long as they don't feel under pressure to return your love, or to sexualise the relationship. It is really very simple. If you don't make your love something your friend has to cope with, then telling them will simply be taken for the compliment it is.

It is very simple—but it is one of those simple things that can be quite difficult. There is often a temptation to be seductive or to project a need for the other's love. That, with an old friend, can be a bit twattish.

You've got to keep the script very basic: “I value our friendship. Actually I love you and would like it to be much more than a friendship. But there's no pressure. The most important thing is that we remain friends.” And you've got to act accordingly.

If there is to be a further move, it's over to them.


Jacquie Grant comments:

I think sounding like a complete "twat" would or could be the least of your problems.

You need to ask yourself some questions first.

Is it worth the risk putting a strain on a good friendship? Do you get the same vibes back? What is your gut feeling do you think your friend has even considered the friendship to be anything else other than what it is? I am assuming that your friend knows you're gay? So it may not come as a complete surprise.

If you think the risk is worth it then go for it but just be open and honest. Even if you are rejected you should keep the friendship.


AJ Marsh comments:

This is a tricky one. I wouldn't know the best way to tell them… but if you feel this way about them, you should tell them. If not, you may never know if they feel the same and the friendship could go awry as a result.

I think that the least of your worries would be sounding like a complete twat, although if you're expressing love, such a genuine feeling should make an impact that would reduce twattiness. Shouldn't it?

If they don't feel the same, there's the possibility that the friendship will become untenable - then again, you could be surprised. Hopefully, you know your mate well enough for a fair anticipation of the answer. I hope that this works out for you.


And gay social commentator and JACK magazine editor David Herkt gave this advice on our message board forum recently:


1: Get drunk with them.

2: They probably know anyway.

3: Saying you really like someone is never insulting.

4: Be honest. Honesty is all we really have.

5: It will affect things afterwards, no matter the immediate response. Be prepared for this.

6: Don't e-mail or text or message. Do it in person.

7: Life is a negotiation between two or more people. Everything is possible.

8: Sometimes people have to think about what you've just said.

9: Words are sometimes distancing things. Sometimes a look or a bit of contact is a better way of doing it.

10: Don't have any regrets about doing it, before, during, afterwards. It is not something to regret doing.

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