National Library of New Zealand
Harvested by the National Library of New Zealand on: Apr 11 2015 at 18:41:47 GMT
Search boxes and external links may not function. Having trouble viewing this page? Click here
Close Minimize Help
Wayback Machine
GayNZ Logo & Link
Sunday 12 April 2015

I need more than just sex

Posted in: Ask Our Expert
By - 3rd July 2007

Mike in Auckland writes:
I'm 23 and I think I'm addicted to internet sex. I can get sex so easily through using different hook-up websites, but what I really want is a real partner I can share my life with. But I don't know how to meet him. I just end up having sex with random guys but even if I leave my number with them they never call back. I love the thrill of the hookups but I need more, and its starting to depress me. Are there nice guys out there and how can I meet them?

Jacquie Grant comments:
Mike, First you need to take stock of your life and realise the people you are hooking up with are just looking for the same thing you are no strings casual sex given that Mr right is going to be hard to find in that situation.

I suggest if you really do want to find more than the instant sexual gratification you need to start making contacts on the social side of the scene, by that I mean you should look for Gay groups that have particular interests that you will find stimulating, I know there are many Gay groups that focus on sports, tramping, gardening and many other interests. The message board on could be a good starting place to find some one you have interests in common with.

Bill Logan comments:
It sounds as if the thrills you are getting are just fine, and the problem is the relationships you are not getting. You will have to actually schedule some time for finding men of relationship potential—even if time constraints lead to a slight decline in the thrills. I know this sounds radical, but you've got to try dating as a supplement to bonking!

I often tell guys looking for a handsome prince “You've got to kiss a lot of frogs.” But that advice assumes that there is a conversation as well as a kiss. If you make it your mission to have conversations with a lot of guys, you will eventually find someone compatible. There's a handle, so to speak, for every pot.

How would it work to go on the internet with the intention of not hooking up for sex? I'm not suggesting this every time you go on the net, but, once a week perhaps, arrange a delayed meeting—tomorrow or the next day. And instead of sex, arrange to meet for coffee, or a game of pool. Talk a bit; be a bit curious about the guy and his life. And make sure as well as giving him your phone number, you get his. And use it.

A. J. Marsh comments:
Mike, without meaning to sound patronising, I was the same in my early 20's before I met my previous partner of two years at a nightclub. All I wanted was a serious long term relationship and went about it completely the wrong way.

Yes, it's easy to meet people on the Internet, and that's not a bad thing. The Internet has opened up the whole world to us, meaning that we can search for that ‘special someone' on a global scale. I even met my husband on-line and doubtfully would have had it not been for the Net. I think that you need to approach the Net from a new angle, as someone looking to date rather than to hook-up. This might be the “more” that you're lacking: the thrill of dating.

My advice to you would be to create one new profile (and delete your others). Be honest on it but don't give too much away, don't over- or under-sell yourself, and have one headshot or a few other lifestyle shots. State that you want to date, take things slow and get to know someone. Don't get too soppy either as that'll scare people away, but don't be too coy. Also, do away with the idea of finding your “type” and don't be afraid to date guys that fall out of what you find attractive; base things on personality, education, life experiences, because the right ‘look' may never come along.

If you want sex, you'll find it, but there are heaps of guys out there too who're looking to experience the fun of not shagging but rather starting slowly, hanging out, movies, dinners, etc., without having sex too quickly. If someone wants to jump your bones, then they're clearly not the right person for you or aren't at the stage you are for finding someone, and don't be afraid to say no; nobody should make you feel guilty for not having sex – it's your body.

It sounds like you've had your fun, as it were, and now need to affirm yourself and regain some self-respect by saving yourself. Maybe too, take a break for a few months from those addictive dating sites and hang out with mates at LGBT venues and meet people the good ‘old fashioned' way, or through your friends.

If you take the time to find the right person, he with staying power, then you potentially will have a lifetime of security that those around you who're only interested in a quick, sure thing won't experience, and I doubt that that's where you want to be.

The right guy for you is out there.

   Bookmark and Share - 3rd July 2007