Now that’s deep…

June 26, 2011 in General

Pouring heart outIt’s funny how you realize things about yourself. I’m never one to do the whole soul searching thing but from time to time a close friend, a family member or someone I just met can say something that makes me think…holy shit I am like that.

My emotions and who I am as a person is uncharted waters. With any relationship I have, be it my friends, family or a partner, I’ve never been the most open person. Only few really know a deeper side of me and it’s not because I’ve opened up to them, more because they’ve known me for a long time and they’re awesome and saw who I really am as a person. I have to say, these people probably know more about me than I do.

A week or so ago I was discussing blogs with a friend. I happened to have read hers and she told me that it was quite unfair that my blog and previous blogs weren’t very revealing of who I was when hers was very open about herself. I kinda didn’t think anything of it but what she said turned out to be a tic tac sized comment. What’s a tic tac sized comment you ask? It’s when someone says something that seems completely harmless at the time and later on you find it eating away at you and you can’t stop thinking about it. It started out as a “she’s right it isn’t very revealing” and turned into a “I should really write more about me” and it culminated to “no one knows who I really am! Not even me!” Don’t ask me how one comment transformed to that question but apparently my brain managed to do so.

So I’ve decided I’m going to be open and talk about myself and maybe that will help me realise things about myself too. Where do I begin? Well I guess you all know now that I’m not a very emotional, self searching person…well until now. So let’s talk about emotions. I’m not fond of becoming emotionally attached to people. Probably why I try and hold off emotions as much as I can. It’s rare that anyone has seen me vulnerable because I run away. But where does this come from? Why am I like this?

Growing up I travelled a lot. It’s hard enough moving cities but moving countries each year tends to limit any form of attachments. I was 7 when we first started moving from continent to continent. My best friend at the time, who happened to have recently found me on facebook because she’s awesome like that, I ended up losing contact with because let’s face it, we didn’t have facebook or emails then. All the friends I had were people I hung out with at school. The guys thought I was cool because I could keep up with their boyish games and the girls loved me because they could use me to talk to the guys. After leaving, my BMX and my dog became my best friends. The friendship with my bmx died pretty quickly when I fell off a wall, yes I was riding my bike on a wall, and came home with blood all over me. Needless to say my mother was not impressed and decided that it was too unsafe with all my brilliant ideas (btw mom I still have brilliant ideas). And as for my dog, after a year of being best friends, we had to give him away because we were moving to a different country and we couldn’t take him with us. So I guess that was root of issue number 1.

So over a those years of being a nomad with my family, I never got close to anybody else. The only people I was close to was my mom, sister and my grandma. My grandma was awesome. She was crazy awesome and I loved her. She used to put me on her bed, play the tape of my favourite song, our song, and get me to sing it while she watched and danced along with me. She was my best friend. We were crazy together. When she passed away I closed myself off because I wasn’t able to handle losing her. I don’t think I’ve ever really dealt with it. I’ve just brushed the thought aside and tried to forget about it. I guess it made me feel like why bother opening up to people when you’re going to lose them anyway?

But what surprised me are the people I have in my life who can see past my outer layer. I hate onions. If you get that reference you’re just amazing. Anyway, that outer layer isn’t a mask. It’s me. But, it’s only a small part of me. Getting past that part is hard. Even I haven’t gotten past it. There are a few people who can see past that part and I don’t know how they’ve done it. But this self reflection feels pretty good. Not gonna happen very often but I’m glad we did this. If that person is reading this hope this gives you a little insight. For everyone else, hope you guys didn’t get bored, and if you did come out this weekend and I’ll entertain ya lols. For now, peace out!

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