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Monday 08 November 2010

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15th February 2010

This One Goes Out To All The Romantics

Posted by: Kitten Power


The term heartbreak doesn’t come near it.  It doesn’t come anywhere close describing that precise moment when she grabs your heart by throat and hurls it down the stairs.  That instant when you watch it shatter and scatter into a million different pieces.

It’s the “I love you baby but I need to be by myself”, the “I just don’t want a relationship”, or the “I met someone else”.

A number of months ago I broke up with my first love.  The girl of my dreams.  The one who swooped perfectly into my life just months after I came out, the one I built a life and plans for the future with.

Then suddenly she didn’t want to be with me anymore.  As much as she loved me.  It just wasn’t working.  And we both knew that.  She needed to be free, I wanted more than she could give anymore - and I just had to let her go.

As much as they rip you apart and make you doubt everything you believe in, difficult break-ups do yield some good things.  You get streams of amazing friends who come over with three bottles of wine, two open ears and one huge box of tissues.  You get to rejoin the world of dating and playing and all those nerve-wracking first moments with a girl, that send you in a wave of trembles.  You get to feel incredibly free, to do whatever you like, with nobody to ultimately answer to.

It takes time, but you get beyond waking up and reaching across the bed to find nobody there.  Beyond falling apart every time a bill arrives in both your names.  Beyond dying inside when you see a girl couple madly in love holding hands and sauntering down the street.  You toughen up, you steel your jaw and you start living again.

Of course it’s not a romance novel and it’s not easy.  I freely admit I have been sinking rather than swimming in the relationship stakes, with a series of mini-failures, where I have ended up stung all over again - simply for falling too easily when it wasn’t really right, by being too busy looking for something to match that person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

But I have only been out for about four years.  My lesbian heart’s still pretty much an emo kid.  It’s still learning.

I’ve learned I’m not cut out for this seemingly in-vogue lesbian ‘fuckbuddy’ or ‘friends with benefits’ thing.  It can be fun for a while, but in the end I want the whole mad-passionate-oh-my-god-I’ll-die-if-I-don’t-get-to-see-you- tonight-and-tomorrow-outrageous-ridiculous-I’m-in-love-with-every-piece-of-you thing.

I’m a cliché romantic when it comes to women.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  It may make me an easy target, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.  Cause I’m pretty sure one day the next love of my life is going to walk right smack bang into it.

And it might be amazing and perfect for a month, a year, a lifetime.  In the end you just have to pick yourself up and start all over again.

It all comes down to what a wise friend told me many months ago: “your heart doesn’t ACTUALLY break, it just feels like it”.

And thank god your heart keeps on beating.  No matter how much each pounding, pulverising second of it hurts.  As long as it’s still beating.

(For anyone with a broken heart - go buy yourself a copy of Noah and The Whale’s beautiful break-up concept album The First Days of Spring, buy a bottle of wine, chill and mope a little.  I swear you’ll feel better by the end of it!)

Tags: General

9 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Matt // Feb 15, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    Beautiful Kitten, thank you for sharing this :-)

  • 2 355 // Feb 16, 2010 at 12:02 am

    great work Kitten - thanks
    don’t be afraid to keep your heart on your sleeve - that way everyone can see how big it is [cheesy but true]
    btw i find Tegan and Sara’s live youtube clips always make me feel better

  • 3 James // Feb 16, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    I’m the same when it comes to boys. Always falling in love way too easily. Its nice to know that its not just me, siiiigh.

  • 4 Alice // Feb 16, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Where have you been all my life ?

  • 5 Kitten Power // Feb 17, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Ha ha … right here!

    Thanks for the lovely feedback guys. I guess there are a few gay romantics out there!

  • 6 A-sia // Feb 21, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Thank you Kitten for this great story, I always fall for guys to quick and to soon, Here I am thinking it was only me. Hope you do find her soon :)

  • 7 Sam // Feb 23, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Great article! A bit too close for comfort. I met a great woman last year and fell really hard for her. Alas it was not to be and so I have spent the last 8 months trying to be just friends (when my heart was absolutely shattered and confidence shot to hell.) Oh and did I mention that during all this I figured out I’m gay. Yep, first time I felt this way about a woman! And I’m in my thirties so life looks like it’s going to be interesting…..

  • 8 katie // Apr 2, 2010 at 7:52 pm

    Well Kitten Im lucky! well I think I am! I am in love with another female my 1st real gay relationship, I have been with her for 10 yrs + ive never had such strong feelings as I do for her and the sex is to die for. I think we are for life well we are both comitted, she is overseas at presnt due back in 3 weeks, then in a month we are going to fiji. Gay relationships are legal and not questioned, our plans are to get married over there, our familys support us that helps, but dont give up you seem positive, she will find you soon

  • 9 katie // Apr 2, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    that is a female who loves you and fullfills your needs she’s out there trust urself

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