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Saturday 10 October 2009

Break-ups: 14 ways to leave your lover

Posted in: True Stories
By Matt Akersten - 20th April 2009

Below, fourteen LGBT Kiwis open up about their most heart-wrenching break-ups. Get the tissues out, you may need them!

If You're Not the One by Andrew

We had been dating for nearly three months. One Saturday night, I had worked the entire day and was having growing pains in my legs. I caught the bus to the city, and my boy wanted to go out clubbing but I was unable to dance, so stayed at his place while he visited his friends at Flesh nightclub.

A few days later he was very cold to me and seemed to just want me to go home. So I asked him what was going on.

It turns out he met someone that night and he prefers him, as he looks more like Daniel Bedingfield.

This story is 100% true. I was 18. How could I possibly look like Daniel Bedingfield?

Boundaries Please by Crystal

I've broken it off with a girl who was just too clingy. And she thought I should spend a lot more time doing things for her, as she was so beautiful.

At one point she sent me a text at 10pm on a Wednesday saying "im outside in the carpark", which she was. I sent her home. Another time she appeared at my parents' house on a Sunday. My parents found her putting out their washing. I then knew it was time to really lay down the law. She was told she was too clingy and crosses too many boundaries and was told not to come back.

He Got Me My First Tattoo by Howie

He got me my first tattoo. We were together for about six months I guess, maybe longer. My tattoo is on my right asscheek, of a devil, it was for my 25th birthday. What lead to the breakup I guess was my not being ready for a full-on one on one relationship with just one guy and we drew apart slowly. So we had a long talk, but after some time of not really talking and arguing, I said "sorry but this is just not working out."

I was sorry that I may have led him on but it wasn't intentional. Plus we really didn't have anything in common when it's needed for a good long term relationship. But after we broke up he would totally ignore me if he saw me on the street.

Heartbreakers by Jeff

There was a guy I was dating who told me he was not that into me by pashing another guy at the bar and then spending the rest of the night with him.

Worse than that was the end of one of my very first relationships at age 16. I was dumped for not looking like a model. A few weeks later he texted me to tell me how a hot guy had seduced him the night before.

Ex Sex? by Carrie

Ex sex sucks, particularly if it's numerous times after numerous break ups!
I once took great pleasure in fucking an ex. I lied to her and told her that I was still in love with her, then after the deed shook my head and said thanks, see ya later and by the way I don't love you at all, in fact your a pain in my ass.

I then got out of bed, got dressed grabbed my stuff and walked out the door.

It was a great way to get off and get my stuff back. Revenge is a bitch, she'd cheated on me multiple times over the three years so one measly fuck and lie wasn't going to break my conscience.

Injections by Richard

A guy I had dated for three months and not had sex with, as he has hepatitis B and I was getting immunization, which takes three injections. I was 16 and came out to my parents at the time so they could support me in getting the injections.

Anyway, one evening he was on the phone to me being very suspicious. After a while we were talking about sex and how we can't wait, and he sort of shrugged it off. So I just came out and asked him "when was the last time you had sex?" to which he replied "yesterday".

He's still with the same guy.

Helping Him Recover by Stephen

It was Monday 5th February 2007, I was 27, a software contractor working in Texas. My boyfriend, second boyfriend ever, the only guy I'd slept with was having... issues.

A week prior Stephen (who confusingly shares my first name) threatened suicide. I took it in stride: took him to the emergency ward, he'd changed medication and he was staying at his parents place for a few days. I'd arranged for him to see a new shrink hoping he could get some better counseling. I sent him an encouraging text message that morning and settled down to work.

He called during lunch, disoriented, strange. It didn't take long for me to figure out he was in real trouble: he'd overdosed. I got the day off and raced to my car.

It's a 45 minute drive on deathly straight Texas roads at 75 miles per hour without stopping. I kept him talking. I found him on the floor, having fallen down a flight of stairs, crawling around incoherently. I called 911 and they took him off to the hospital. I followed.

I won't go into detail about how much he yelled, or about how they had to restrain, sedate and confine him. I got home late that night, tired, wired, worried, but determined that I would stick by him, help him recover.

That night I checked his phone to contact one of his friends for help and discovered something unexpected: he'd been cheating on me. At that moment I broke up with him in my mind. It would be months, however, before I could set him up in a safe environment and leave.

Stephen was the first person who required more of me than I was literally capable of giving. One of the things I learnt from that experience is that trying to "fix" people is a silly thing to do.

"Why Don't You Love Me Yet?" by Mel

I broke it off with someone who after two dates started crying on the phone asking why I don't love her yet.

I told her she's coming on way too strong and that it's really put me off.

Comfort Food? by Irish

What's great after a difficult break-up is seeing them in town afterwards and they have gained a HUGE amount of weight!!! OMG soooooo gooooddd.

Oh and to add insult to injury… having your ex's mother tell you that her son dumping you was the worst and stupidest thing he could have done. Cool.

Love Unreturned by Anonymous

The worst for me are one-way recurring breakups, the kind that involve unrequited or unreturned love.

As the one who is in love, every meeting, every conversation, every text message can send you swooning, or be a dagger in the heart.And the lover has a million "break-ups", where they swear off the person, say this is it, it's over, I won't love him anymore, that asshole never loved me anyway.

Until he texts, or calls, and all is forgotten, it is back on again, until you realise he doesn't like you that way, and he's even told you it will never happen, but crucially he won't give you the space to be free of him, so you keep getting drawn into these mini-relationships with him that aren't real and all involve you reading way too much into everything he says for just a hint that he might love you the same way back...

But he doesn't. And he never will.

And so you have another breakup with him, but it's all in your head, he doesn't even know you are doing it and deep down you know he hardly gives a shit.

But you can't help yourself.

Text Fail by Paul

A guy I had dated for three months sent me a message around 8pm thanking me for the hot day we had spent together. This confused me as I had been working the entire day! When I called to ask what the hell, he hung up, and then turned off his phone. We haven't spoken since.

"I thought I could fix him" by Doowie

Met him on the internet. I was 17, he was '20'. Things quickly progressed, both declaring our love for each other within a month of first meeting. I thought I could fix him... his 15 year old brother committed suicide earlier that year. Of course I could help him, he was my world...

I couldn't. He lied about his age. He stole from me. He was a drug addict. We were together for 2 years. He lived with me in my parents' house. Basically, he leeched off me.

Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. Many nights following the break up, I'd ring him and he'd allude to having overdosed on sleeping pills. I still felt like I had to help him.

Do not try to fix the people you are in a relationship with. It just doesn't work. He's still not over me. He'll always be my first love.

On the Straight and Narrow? by Dave

It was the year 1975 and wondered whether I was straight or gay. Well I was only 14 years old and looking at guys a lot!

I met a few guys for some fun, but back then gay guy was not heard of and talked about. So I went along the straight and narrow path.

In the year 1990 I got married and by 1994 we had two kids, both girls, which are 17 and 15 now.

She slept around on me first and I used that to see other guys, naughty but I had to. So in 2003 I was seeking that fun again with guys and told my wife that I was going to see a guy, and she let me.

Any way we hooked up and had a bit of fun, but my wife just couldn't handle what I was doing, and she told her family, who were supporting her all the way. They even phoned my family and told them that I was gay. To make it worse, I was working for her fathers company - I had been the foremen for 15 years. Ouch.

But she just couldn't take it any more. I did try my hardest to stay together, but she had already made her mind up. Out came the boot!
I was kicked out of my marriage, so I was off to town to see what the gay life was like. Yes, going to Flesh nightclub the first time was pretty scary, but I met a guy that night, just got his number - wow what a buzz!
It has been a long road to gayness, and finally I am free 28 years later.
I've hooked up with a few guys, as you do, but been very fussy!

It's now 2009 and I'm engaged with my partner Chris and living in Devonport. My family has been very supportive.

I'd just like to say to all the other guys who want to come out: "Be strong, be you, be happy."

Gone by Rex

I was 14 when I fell in love with him - I always swooned over him. Our parents knew each other. They all went out one night, and so he was staying at my place. My younger brother was at school camp. I was 14 and he was 17.

We were watching a scary movie and at the scariest part I grabbed his hand. It was like an awkward silence. Moments passed, and then we kissed. It was like the world stood still.

Moving on five years later, he passed away suddenly from a brain aneurysm. Having no closure, no person to hate for leaving me, no one to cry with, have ex sex with, even see around or find out that they're really well and happy - was like someone had literally cut out my heart and replaced it with complete and utter icy darkness. You'll always hold it with you.

But through many years of healing, many nights of tears, many times where I would of given anything to just have a minute to say goodbye, say how much I loved him… I realised I did need to move on and have that ultimate closure I had been seeking for so long.

So I wrote a letter, which turned into ten pages, and then took it to the beach where we first had sex on my 15th birthday. I drank a bottle of vodka with my best friend, cried, laughed, and burned the letter and said my 'final' and ultimate goodbye.

Truth is, as bad as any breakup can ever be, it's all a stone in the pond, it causes ripples and disturbs the water, but soon it settles, the water goes back to being flat again. Love comes, and goes, you fall in to it, and out of it.

A quote that I've always lived by is this…

It lies in all of us sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir.
Open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us.
Passion rules us all and we obey. What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes, more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we would know some kind of peace.
But we would be hollow, empty rooms shuddered and dank. Without passion we would be truly dead..."

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Matt Akersten - 20th April 2009