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Saturday 10 October 2009


Lesbians 101: The Ex Files!

Posted in: Community
By Julz Darroch - 3rd September 2009

Wouldn't it be great if women came with instruction manuals, with handy chapter headings and top tips for keeping her healthy and happy?

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Julz Darroch
Let's face it, by the time we've broken one girlfriend in it's merging central and we're off to find our next one and only.

Here's my theory: All lesbians have ex girlfriends, and most of them have lots of them. These ex's have a wealth of information that could save us, the new one, valuable time, effort and misdirected fumbling. Now, if we could just get our hands on these women's secrets…

Let's face the fact that - once the dramas over the custody battle over the dildo collection and The L Word boxed sets are over - we are going to be 'besties' with the ex anyway so we want to keep her happy.

So I have created a handy, printable form for you to fill out on the 'evolution' of you and your dearly beloved's relationship (lesbians don't break up, we just change the nature of our relationship) so that the next one has an easier ride.

So print her off, fill her out and pop in the box marked 'bedroom' when your ex finally moves out and voila!

Please forward this document to all your coupled friends in the interests of better relationships right through dykeopia.

But, most importantly, email a copy off to your new bit's ex so you have the information available to you too!

In the interests of efficiency and speed there is a multi-choice section, after all you don't want to be wasting precious time filling out forms when you are trying to be the first to have a post relationship shag!


 

SECTION ONE

Relationship details

How did you get together?

a) We were just friends until she broke up with her last girlfriend

b) We became more than just friends so she broke up with her last girlfriend

c) She was a one night stand and it's taken me this long to get rid of her

Between meeting and moving in (weeks) 1  4  8

Between moving in and end of relationship (lesbian years) 12  24  36

Between last time you had sex and end of relationship (years) 2  4  6

Why did you break up?

a) We just grew apart, we're better off as friends

b) We just grew apart, we want different things

c) LBD

d) All of the above

Number of offspring (humans and animals) 1  2  3

Custody arrangements of above offspring:

a) I get the dog, she can have the kids

b) We share the dog, she can have the kids

c) We share the dog, has anyone seen the kids lately?

SECTION TWO

Personal details

Pet names are great aren't they? Little terms of endearment holding real meaning that were lovingly created to suit your beloved. Circle your individual and original pet name you had for your ex here, the new GF can just recycle it:

a) Pookie

b) Pumpkin

c) Muffy

d) Sir

You know that the sex you had with your ex is the best she'll ever have but give the new one something to aim for:

Maximum number of orgasms your ex achieved in one sexual encounter:

a) 17

b) 34

c) lost count

After two weeks the sex is gone and the only thing going on in bed is tea and toast, best she gets it right then:

a) "The Femme"- green chai with sourdough, no spread

b) "The Butch"- gumboot tea and marmite on mighty white

c) "The Swinger" earl grey with honey on vogels

The worst thing about shacking up with a new one is trying to workout how house broken they are, fill out this list to save the stunned silence when your ex's newly beloved discovers she doesn't know how to use the dishwasher.

Circle the items your ex does not know exist so she can mentally prepare herself for the disappointment:

vacuum cleaner

duster

toilet cleaner

Epilator

vibrator

Playstation

nail clippers

deodorant

G spot

Who need the wrath of god when there is no hell worse than two lesbians living together with PMT! How is it for your ex?

a) Holy shit! Hide the knives and lock up the vodka

b) Holy shit! Stock up on tissues and put a pin lock on the Disney channel

c) Her ovaries shrivelled years ago, she only bleeds when she gets carried away with the skill saw

Every self respecting lesbian has a get out jail free card for the hot, but totally unobtainable woman that you would allow her to shag with no repercussions.

Who is your ex's card?

a) Shane from The L Word

b) Joan Jett

c) The young one from Desert Hearts

d) That totally hot exercise chick on Good Morning

There's nothing more boring than a long drawn out courtship, like when you arrive at the bar by seven and end up making small talk until well into the wee hours, talking about useless crap while working out if your intended is going to come home with you. Tear off this handy section below so that your GF can up her pulling speed (only give it to her AFTER you've won the post breakup shag competition though) by cutting down the time answering inane questions. When she spots a chick she likes she can just whip this out and pass it over.

Be thoughtful and laminate it so she can reuse it the next evening.

If …………….. was an icecream flavour she would be ……………………………………

…………….. first knew she was gay when she was ……………………………………….

When ………..…….. was 5 she wanted to be a …………………………………..……....

……………… can eat ……………………………slices of …………………………… in one go

Melissa Etheridge makes …………………….. go ……………………………………………….

Once …………………… went mac, she never went ………………………………………….

You'll know if ………………… likes you cos she'll ………………………………………………

If ………………… gets bored she ……………………………………………………………………


 

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Julz Darroch is a Wellington based fitness educator specialising in gay fitness emergencies. She obviously has far too much time on her hands… or is that far too many ex-girlfriends on her hands…

She'd like to think she's far too cool for blogging, so if you want to be amazed and entertained by her insight into her view on all things non-fitness related you'll have to email her at crazyhousewife@julzdarroch.co.nz and she'll send you her regular rantings!


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Julz Darroch - 3rd September 2009