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Saturday 10 October 2009


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15th January 2009

Burglars. They’re just not sexy.

Posted by: Kitten Power


Burglars are not sexy. Breaking into someone else’s place and rifling through their stuff is just not hot. Going through someone’s underwear drawers and throwing knickers and bras across their room, before tipping their bed sideways, just doesn’t do it for me. That’s why I’m thinking about starting International Castrate a Burglar Day.

Certainly, if I find the stupid straight man who broke into my apartment, let’s call him “The It”, I will castrate him.

I know what you’re thinking, another lesbian wanting to give a straight man the chop, nothing new there - well there is for me. I like women, but have never been a man-hater. Except now, except this one man, except “The It”.

Now that’s settled, you’re probably wondering how do I know it was a straight man? Easy:

1- The toilet seat was left up.

2- A kit containing thousands of dollars worth of professional make-up was opened, then discarded.

3- Being a burglar isn’t sexy, ruling out all women and most gay men.

After we cleaned up, put our underwear back in our drawers and had a good look around, my girlfriend and I were relieved to realise all we lost was a couple of cameras, an old laptop, about $15 and a tired backpack. We started listing all the things ”The It” did not steal - CDs, the stereo, the computer, passports, my girlfriend’s irreplaceable art. That quickly led to an easy coping mechanism of making jokes about other things he left behind, like “oh yay he didn’t take the toothbrushes” . . . “oh great, my favourite sock are still there” . . . “wow lucky he didn’t take the library books, that saves us some fines.”

What can you do but laugh right? Yet I really feel for people who come home to find their house emptied of all their valuable and loved possessions. We got off pretty lightly really.

And yet, if I find “The It” I will still castrate him. Slowly. But not in a man-hating way.

Tags: General

13 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Michael Stevens // Jan 16, 2009 at 7:36 am

    It is always terrible when you get burgled. Really sorry you’ve had to go through this.

  • 2 Andy // Jan 16, 2009 at 9:55 am

    You should throw your toothbrushes out — the police recommended that to me after I was burgled ‘cos apparently sometimes they do things with it for a laugh, and then put it back.

    Also, not all gay men like make-up — stereotype much? :P It could have been a drag queen burglar, who didn’t like your girlfriend’s taste.

  • 3 Kitten Power // Jan 16, 2009 at 10:10 am

    Ah! Toothbrushes! Am buying new ones after work now, thanks Andy. (Yes, the gay men knowing about make-up insinuation was firmly tongue in cheek - plenty of lesbians don’t know much about it either - including me!)

    Thanks for your sympathy Michael! I am missing our camera . . .

  • 4 Constable Queenlover // Jan 16, 2009 at 10:28 am

    I’m impressed with your detective work and agree with your conclusion - the robber must be a straight man. If a gay man had broken in he would have tidied up and left a quiche in the oven.

    Although this isn’t the first case of a straight man rifling through girls’ undie drawers, we’re taking this case very seriously. We hope to lock away the culprit and throw away the key… mainly to safeguard him against your harsh ‘Hard Candy’-style justice plans.

    Take care out there,

    Constable Queenlover, K’ Road police division

    PS. Would you like us to supply you a Taser? OMG, they are so fun!!!!

  • 5 Craig Young // Jan 16, 2009 at 10:50 am

    You can borrow my savage tom-hating lesbian cat to track him down.

    {Untrue. I do not hate all toms. Just smelly un-neutered ones who try to take liberties with moi
    -HRH Nut}


  • 6 nicker sniffer // Jan 16, 2009 at 11:08 am

    i think it was a lesbian burgler not a st8 guy

    or may b a ex lover with a vengeance

  • 7 iva bigun // Jan 16, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    i want a tazer
    oh the trail of tazered homo’s lol
    nah serious- been burgled 2 times lost everything prob kids or p freaks or else you would have lost more

    time to get you a dog-bitches are the best-

  • 8 Kitten Power // Jan 16, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    I think we have the talent here to start a gay detective agency! Just think of the crimes we could solve!

  • 9 Ivor Smallun // Jan 16, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    Good on you, KP! Hope you get the scumbag! After you’ve got
    him, he’ll still be a scum, but he won’t have a “bag” (or anything to fill it…… ;) )

  • 10 bikerchick // Jan 16, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    Buy new underwear… or at least wash them first…
    In fact wash all the clothes they have scattered everywhere.. strip and wash the sheets off the bed… you never know what the scumbags have done on the bed!

    The backpack was used to carry the stuff in so that they didnt look like burglars…

    Beware thou…. should your insurance pay out and you go and buy replacement items… dont buy them for over a month… they (burglars) will be back within a month.

    Oh and don’t put out the replacement boxes out the front on rubbish day… they can tell that you have got new stuff too re the boxes. Rip up the boxes into small bits and throw them out in inside rubbish bags…
    Time consuming but hey can’t let the f*ckers know what you have brought.

  • 11 nicker sniffer // Jan 17, 2009 at 5:33 am

    hmmmmmmmmmmm i m willing to do the strip search

  • 12 burgler bill // Jan 17, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    dear kitten power

    next time could you please leave a key out it makes it easier also so decent food and wine would be in order

    my fellow burglers and i was wonderin where did u get the nice multi colour glow in the dark 32 inch dildo

    they hot chains and whips also we didnt take ur make up because it didnt suite our complexsion and it was expensive just made in china

    and darling ur wardrobe omg hidious it made me so sick thats why i left the toilet seat up

    also please up date the camera and laptop i actual though i get more that the $3.95 i did on trade me

    and that tacky art hanging on the walls omg how can you live with such rubbish my darling nephew can draw better and hes only 4

    and please your porn collection and cds need badly to be up dated

    also clean the fur balls out of your thooth brushes its like ewwwwwwwwwww tacky

    i am sorry that i didnt put everything back in place i got hungry and went to the fidge and was totaly traumatised where is the real food darlin how can you eat that crap

    please all i asked next time get real food decent dvds and art and cds and leave more money out than the miserable $15.69

    and dont 4 get 2 LEAVE OUT THE GOD DAM KEYS

    love always bill

  • 13 BC // Jan 18, 2009 at 10:58 am

    You’ve reminded me of and old friend’s proposed treatment for rapists- nail their balls to the floor, give them a blunt bread knife, and slowly fill the room with water…

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