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Saturday 10 October 2009


The Gay Blade

1st July 2009

Why Isn’t Life More Like Porn ?

Posted by: Michael Stevens

Well, it’s probably a good thing it isn’t, or nothing would get done, but the thought came to me as I was sitting here waiting for the plumbers to arrive.

If life were like porn, the plumbers would be hot, maybe one in his 40s, dark and hairy, strong but a little gut going on there, one in his 20s, friendly, eager and smooth, both wearing overalls undone down to the crotch cause of the heat, and that are somehow constantly threatening to fall off and reveal that big hard tool that all plumbers always walk around with. After fiddling with their tools and a couple of subtle comments and some serious eye contact, well, it’d all be on. But would your loo ever get fixed? After you’d all had so much fun together, would it even be possible to say “The tap over the laundry sink is dripping too” - bit of a come-down really.
Just think of all the trades that’d be so much more interesting if they were just like in the pornos: electricians, pizza delivery boys, mechanics, and we all know about the Police and what they like to do when they stop a car with a single man in it. That is if everything I’ve ever watched on TVs in gay bars and clubs is true, and why would TV lie to me?

Of course, if it were true, the Army, Navy and Air Force, Police and all manual trades would be known for being filled with homos, in the same way that people now joke about interior designers or hairdressers. It could be fun -  “Oh, David”, in a knowing but butch tone “He’s a Police Officer now” with a pregnant pause after allowing everyone to know exactly what this meant.

But so much sex would get tiring all the time. And irritating as well. I mean, what if you just wanted a new power-point put in? There are times when no matter how hunky the sparky that arrives on the doorstep in his shorts and tool belt that you’d just think “Oh come on - I’ve got to meet my mum in half an hour!” The thrill of the erotic Policeman could dull over time too. What if you really were only doing 45 kmh in a 50 k zone, and actually you had to get home to feed the dogs? He’s already got the cuffs out and his truncheon is ready and you’re just like… “What? Sex with a big hunky sexy cop again! Not now!”

Of course, some of these guys in real life are hot, but then, so are some hairdressers, interior designers and dental-hygenists - we just don’t give them the same sexy labels. Or has someone made porn about dental-hygenists that I haven’t heard of yet? Because if so I’d love to see it. Though the idea is slightly disturbing. “No, I just want my gums looked at!”

But, then again, if we could turn it off and on at will, the supply of living porn, well, that could work. But that, like all porn, is just a fantasy - aint’ never going to happen. And life isn’t like porn, for which I’m glad.

And the plumbers arrived, were perfectly nice and efficient, and I wouldn’t have wanted to do either of them.

Tags: General

3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Why Isn’t Life More Like Porn ? // Jul 1, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    […] here:  Why Isn’t Life More Like Porn ? AKPC_IDS += “9937,”;Popularity: unranked [?] Comments [0]Digg […]

  • 2 How very dare you // Jul 3, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    I watched a porn about dentists once. This guy got a filling, and afterwards the nurse made him spit into the sink.
    Tru fax.

  • 3 Eddy // Jul 3, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    Have had a driver ring me SIX times this morning because he was lost and couldn’t find the house. So we had an enormous amount of communication via his mobile and my landline. Sounded like a pleasant well-meaning chap though a bit too-reliant on his SatNav - which was responsible for getting him lost. Anyway I guided him in, like aircraft control, and he eventually turns up and out he gets and he’s a massive muscular hunk, gleaming white teeth, tanned, shark-tooth necklace round his thick rugby-player’s neck, a silver bracelet on one wrist. And he goes a slight shade of pink when he sees me. Anyway we both do the butch thing and unload all the stuff off his van, with much civilised and good-humoured butch chat inbetween and then off he goes, cheerily on his way.

    Now at what point could HE have thrust me back onto the sacks we were unloading and stuck his tongue down my throat? And at what point could I have put my hands on his arse as he leant into the van to get his next sack? But what if he had turned round and beat the shit out of me? Was he thinking the same thing? It isn’t worth taking the risk when we know there are people out there who react truly violently when hit upon by a gay person. Straights don’t have that fear, do they. For them, life CAN BE a little more like porn, a little more exciting. They’re forever flirting. I often notice the disappointment on guys’ faces when they turn up and they find there’s no missus to take them into the upstairs bathroom or out the back to where the electrical problem is. You know you’ve got a straight sparky or plumber when they glaze over at the sight of no poor helpless missus needing their assistance!

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