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Thursday 09 April 2009

"I've fallen for a straight guy"

Posted in: Family Matters
By - 13th April 2008

Jacquie Grant affectionately known as the "tranny granny", Jacquie's had a colourful life which has seen her go from being harassed by police and arrested on the streets of King's Cross in Sydney in the late 1950s, to a happier life in New Zealand, where she has fostered more than 60 children, and now has numerous grandchildren. Jacquie lives in Hokitika.

Bill Logan is a counsellor, celebrant, gay activist and revolutionist in his fifties, Bill's been on the Gay Helpline in Wellington since 1982, was a co-founder of the NZ AIDS Foundation, and played a significant role in the struggle for homosexual law reform.

Tom Hamilton is Rainbow Youth's Executive Director, and also has several years experience working within LGBT communities in Australia and the USA. Tom also has extensive knowledge about community law, support work and counselling.

Previous advisors include secondary school teacher Carol Bartlett, gay activist Jim Peron,"Out & Proud" ambassador AJ Marsh, ex Youth Coordinator for Rainbow Youth Rob Marshall and editor Jay Bennie.

If you have a question you'd like to put to our panel, please complete our

When you can't stop thinking about your friend - and suspect the affection may be mutual - should you ignore your feelings, or risk everything and make a move?

John in Christchurch writes:

Need your advice please. I have an awful problem and I have to seek help.

I have fallen for a straight guy. We spend lots of time together and it feels very nice when I'm with him. He's very cute and we have lots in common. But he has a girlfriend. I don't want to hurt anyone or make a huge drama but I have a feeling that if I make a move, he'd follow. He always says he's straight but I don't believe him anymore.

What can I do? I can't stop thinking about him.

Don't laugh at me.

From John in Chch.

PS. I'm OUT as gay to all my friends :-)

Bill Logan replies:

Here are four of the possibilities:

He's gay, and bursting to come out of the closet. If you make the moves everything will be rosy.

He's straight, and your hope that he's gay is mere wishful thinking. You could get rebuffed, but there'd be no harm done.

He is neither gay nor straight … and happy to play.

He's gay, and desperately wants to jump into bed with you, but completely unready to cope with his own gayness.

Numbers 1 and 3 seem unlikely; probably the truth lies with number 2 or 4 - so you will probably regret any attempts at seduction. But what the hell! You'll also probably regret it if you never find out. Be prepared to be gentle and patient in case of possibility number 4.

Jacquie Grant replies:

You're not the first Gay boy to fall for a straight friend, I feel that you need to sit down and interpret the signals he is giving you realistically not as you hope for.

It sounds to me like you have a great friend who just happens to be straight. You say he has a girlfriend, but you are sure if you made a move he would reciprocate… be careful, you could lose a good friend if you are wrong.

Even if you are correct and you do succeed in bedding him it will change the relationship you have with him, and may not have the fairy tale ending you are imagining. A good friend is far better than a quick bonk with a straight boy if indeed he is straight, so my advice is put out the signals which I am sure you have already done, if anything is going to happen let him initiate it that way at least you retain a friend and if you get lucky, who knows where it could go?

Rob Marshall replies:

Hey John,

I suggest talking to your friend, telling him that you like him, that it feels like more than a friendship to you. I suspect telling him this would only make your friendship stronger. At the end of the day if he is not sexually attracted to guys you have no hope. The other thing to consider is that he has a girlfriend, someone could get hurt. Trust is a foundation of relationships, if he cheats on her, he may cheat on you. I am a big believer in things happening for a reason. If things don't work out at least you have identified qualities you want in a partner. There will be someone out there.

Good luck,
Rob - 13th April 2008