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Wednesday 08 October 2008


Proclamations of the Red Queen

27th March 2008

Fiction: Antinousine Raptures

Posted by: Craig Young

After my earlier heavier fictional fare, here’s something saucy and satirical…

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It was after my third man that day (during the lunch break, in the kitchen of a local cafe) that I began to entertain suspicions that my unusual luck in man-hunting that day was not merely the Goddess Fortuna smiling beneficently on me.

For one thing, where were all my straight workmates and boss? For another, since when do even the most faaaabulous lesbians openly cruise women in uniform in broad daylight, and get winks and kisses blown back at them? And also, the visible lack of ugly, obstrusive godbot architecture. And aforesaid godbots.

After I got home (delayed by the attentions of an eager garage attendant who was interested in pumping (…) of a different sort), I boarded the bus, where a blase female driver was ignoring the hot and heavy male couple in the back  seat. With relief, I headed off to my favourite cafe, noticing at least four other gayboy couples letting it all hang out in alleyways.

“Hey, Levi.”
“Hey, Rick. Er, have you noticed…?”

“No straights? Only lesbian mums, gay dads and their kids around? No moronic President Bush gibbering on the telly? No Iraq? No tacky godbot charismaniacs visible in the wee small hours? And, may I point out, those two moons over your shoulder, neither of which is our common or garden Luna?” I followed his gaze. Yep.

“Okay, I’m sure I haven’t died and gone to gayboyheaven. What is this, besides a pleasantly detailed and lurid erotic dream?”

He sighed:  “I popped into what used to be the godbot bookshop on the corner. It’s under new management. Ever heard of the Roman Emperor Hadrian and Antinous?”

“Oh, them. Yeah, last month’s DNA. Second century Roman Emperor, built a wall to keep the pasty Sassenachs out of Scotland, and had a cute studmuffin toyboy called Antinous who drowned, whereupon the Emperor constructed a city for him, Antinoopolis, on the banks of the Nile.”

He raised an eyebrow: “So you don’t just read the NBR! O-kay.  I think we’ve all been metaphysically transported to an alternate Earth. Sort of like that awful semi-literate Large Behind series my trailer trash godbot cousin Mavis reads.”

“So- this is our celestial reward, instead?”
“Exactly. In this world, Hadrian didn’t just appoint Antinous a deity after his premature death, Antinous was a bona fide godlet. And his religion went on to have almost global influence. Our lesbifriends have the Spartan goddess Oritheia as their grrly counterpart, and invoking her can result in anomalous behaviour defying conventional physics and biology. In other words, miracles.”

“So…this isn’t a remarkably nice wish-fulfillment fantasy. No fundies. On tap sex. In which case, what are we doing just talking about it? Rick? What are you doing underneath the table? Oh, that is so American Pie: The Wedding. Oh. Ohhh. Ohhhhh….”

Tags: General

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