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Wednesday 08 October 2008

Proclamations of the Red Queen

31st March 2008

Satire: Fictional Apocalypse # 242

Posted by: Craig Young

It’s a little odd that fundamentalists, especially Pentecostals, get all enthusiastic about the Book of Revelation, which was only narrowly included in the New Testament, and reads like someone having a set of psilocybin revelations, or possibly smoked acacia tree or something similar. It strikes me that given that was probably the case, there are numerous discarded earlier attempts. Like this one…

 23. […] And as Soul set foot past the Gate of Heaven, lo, he heard a Voice that spake unto him saying:

“Waa hey, laddy. Let me show you a good time!!!”

24. And behold, Soul was perplexed to find himself in a chicken outfit, in fact, part of a chorus line of ectoplasmic fragments of consciousness dressed as poultry. And Soul asked:

“O Lord, why dost thou dress us in avian raiment?”

25. “Because the Heavenly Host are kinky for that sort of thing. And Soul and his compatriots were descended upon by mighty thewed angels, and lo, there was much celestial impropriety, suggesting that things were getting as bad as the Fall of Lucifer Up There:

26. And a puzzled, but raddled, Soul queried:

“O Lord, why dost thou give us to the Thrones and Dominations for a bit of rumpy pumpy? Lo, I am sloppy seconds after a good rogering from the Angels Halfasriel and Apostrophiel. Was it just a hitherto unknown step to acquire gnostic hidden knowledge?”

27. And the Voice replied: “Nah, that one didn’t work either. Gabe?”

“Apocalypse # 243: Jesus versus Godzilla?”

“Nope. Next?”

Seth Christ, Your Other Begotten and Openly Gay Son, Starring in His Own Testament?”

“Hmmm. Promising. Okay, Gabe, roll ‘em…”

Tags: Religion

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