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Wednesday 08 October 2008


Proclamations of the Red Queen

27th March 2008

Hunky Jesus, Sleek and Wild!

Posted by: Craig Young

One night, a purse-lipped, heavy breathing young woman in horn-rimmed  glasses sat, wondering what to do now she’d failed to reach tertiary education. Suddenly, a stampede of thick-set, burly teaching nuns ran past, brandishing bullwhips, manacles, ropes and other items of their calling (they were S.M (Sister of Mercy) nuns, you see. As she experienced recurrent images of moaning traumatised teenage male bottoms wacked by her ruler, she realised she was just like them! She wanted to terrorise small children and young adolescents through taking umbrage at speedos, bananas, women’s lingerie and other adjuncts to sin and depravity:”That’s it! I shall become a NUN!!!” She cried, and we all know what happened next… Several years later, across the Pacific Ocean, a group of several recovering Catholic gay men got together to complain about their lurid experiences of mother church, and then realised that there was no reason that they couldn’t don wimples, coifs and penguin outfits themselves. Initially, lesbians got annoyed at this, until some of their own recovering Catholic contingent realised that as gay boys could become nuns, why couldn’t dykes become monks, cardinals and popes? Sadly, as New Zealand has only had limited intensive demographic concentrations of Catholics, we appear to have missed out on the critical mass (…) needed to spawn our own branch of the Sisters (or Order) of Perpetual Indulgence, given that there have been more Anglicans and Presbyterians in New Zealand than Catholics, until the last decade or so. Be that as it may, the San Francisco Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence have been holding a “Hunky Jesus” competition every Easter, since 2000. As the Catholic Right and assorted pro-censorship/social conservative killjoys have no sense of humour, they’re busily being incensed at this ‘blasphemy.’ I’m not sure why this should be the case. At least the Hunky Jesus competitions seem vanilla, and therefore fun for all the family. Given that the aforementioned Catholic Right pressure groups wanted their children to see a certain movie about scantily clad man getting whipped, while he was tied down, and then subjected to scarification and bodily trauma, I fail to see what they’re on about. Particularly as the nineteenth century German Catholic nun, Catherine Emmerich,  who had these perverse visions was bedridden and possibly delusional as a result of illness, and an anti-Semite to boot, it strikes me as a tad hypocritical for the Catholic Right to criticise harmless fun involving a mythological figure, and several faux sisters in too much pancake makeup.  Who died and made them the College of Cardinals?

Tags: General · Religion

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